I pull up the black spandex at my wrist and check my watch, like I have somewhere to be.
Everyone is just sitting around the table in silence trying to look thoughtful, or pensive, or dark.
I think we're all unwilling to say anything after The Insectosaur's awkward comment about midgets.
Baron Necrosis is tapping his fingers in series - pinky, ring, middle, pointer, pinky, ring, middle pointer. It's getting annoying, but mostly because I didn't think of it first. It's a great way to look like you're formulating some kind of despicable plot even if you're really just waiting for someone else to say something. If I started tapping my fingers now, I'd just look like a stupid copycat.
"I need a lair," Cerebrain says.
"Yeah?" I say.
"An underground lair," Cerebrain continues, and starts to stroke his chin like he's grooming an invisible beard. Another good move, but it sort of requires you to actually announce what it is you're thinking about, or you just look like a retard.
"I didn't mean all midgets," Insectosaur interjects. "You know?"
The Baron goes through two more tap cycles in silence, and then says "Underground lairs are stupid."
"Yeah?" I say.
"Why?" Cerebrain asks. "The Deathworm has one, and does okay for himself."
"That's his shtick," The Baron says. "He's a burrower. If it collapses in on itself, he just dig-wriggles out. What would you do? Think your way out?"
"Evil finds a way," Cerebrain says, fairly unconvincingly.
I take a deep breath, and my eyes dart to the snack bowl, still empty.
"Have any of you actually worked with midgets, though?" Insectosaur says. "Like, professionally?"
"Unless..." Baron Necrosis murmurs, and stops tapping. Everyone looks at him expectantly. That's another good side effect of the tapping. When you stop, it makes whatever you say seem more significant than it really is.
"No," The Baron says, starting up again. "That wouldn't work."
"What?" Cerebrain says. "What wouldn't work?"
"Nothing," The Baron says.
Cerebrain grunts. "I think an underground lair would totally work," he says. "If you built it right."
"Yeah," Necrosis grumbles. "Like above ground."
"Half of the houses in America have basements, Baron," Cerebrain says. "And they're not collapsing in on themselves."
"Oh, excuse me, then," Baron Necrosis says sarcastically. "When you said 'underground lair,' I didn't know you actually meant 'suburban basement.'" "Look, I'm just saying that..." Cerebrain starts.
"Midgets, they just aren't like us," Insectosaur interrupts. "They see the world differently."
"JUST SHUT UP ABOUT MIDGETS, JERRY!" Necrosis explodes. "YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! YOU DO..nn...mffm....ahuh."
Tears well up in The Baron's eyes, his lower lip starts to quiver, and we all watch in horror as he starts to cry.
He puts his head on the table, covering it with his hands, muffling the deep sobs wracking his body.
I look over at Cerebrain, who shrugs nervously.
"Dude," says Insectosaur, confused. "Are we under attack?"
"Mmmm...my Mom," The Baron starts, his voice still muffled. "My Mom and Dad."
"Your what?" Cerebrain asks.
Baron Necrosis raises his head, eyes redder than normal, his mouth in some kind of agonized rictus. "My Mom and Dad," he says, "were killed by feral midgets. When I was a child."
"Get out!" Insectosaur shouts. "Mine too!"
Baron Necrosis stops sobbing abruptly and looks for all the world like a sick little child.
"Really?" He says.
"Really," says Insectosaur, who gets up and walks over to where The Baron is sitting.
I know it's coming, and I should look away, but still I stare as Baron Necrosis stands and hugs The Insectosaur. And then they just stand there, rocking back and forth, holding each other, crying.
I look over to Cerebrain, who is also staring at the spectacle with a nauseated look on his face. He turns to look at me with horrified eyes. "I think I just threw up in my mouth," he says.
"I'm sorry I used your real name," I hear The Baron whisper.
"It's okay, buddy," Insectosaur says. "It's okay."
I turn without a word, mounting the stairs to the outer door. About halfway up, someone starts to sing, and I'm pretty sure I hear Cerebrain vomit.
Everyone is just sitting around the table in silence trying to look thoughtful, or pensive, or dark.
I think we're all unwilling to say anything after The Insectosaur's awkward comment about midgets.
Baron Necrosis is tapping his fingers in series - pinky, ring, middle, pointer, pinky, ring, middle pointer. It's getting annoying, but mostly because I didn't think of it first. It's a great way to look like you're formulating some kind of despicable plot even if you're really just waiting for someone else to say something. If I started tapping my fingers now, I'd just look like a stupid copycat.
"I need a lair," Cerebrain says.
"Yeah?" I say.
"An underground lair," Cerebrain continues, and starts to stroke his chin like he's grooming an invisible beard. Another good move, but it sort of requires you to actually announce what it is you're thinking about, or you just look like a retard.
"I didn't mean all midgets," Insectosaur interjects. "You know?"
The Baron goes through two more tap cycles in silence, and then says "Underground lairs are stupid."
"Yeah?" I say.
"Why?" Cerebrain asks. "The Deathworm has one, and does okay for himself."
"That's his shtick," The Baron says. "He's a burrower. If it collapses in on itself, he just dig-wriggles out. What would you do? Think your way out?"
"Evil finds a way," Cerebrain says, fairly unconvincingly.
I take a deep breath, and my eyes dart to the snack bowl, still empty.
"Have any of you actually worked with midgets, though?" Insectosaur says. "Like, professionally?"
"Unless..." Baron Necrosis murmurs, and stops tapping. Everyone looks at him expectantly. That's another good side effect of the tapping. When you stop, it makes whatever you say seem more significant than it really is.
"No," The Baron says, starting up again. "That wouldn't work."
"What?" Cerebrain says. "What wouldn't work?"
"Nothing," The Baron says.
Cerebrain grunts. "I think an underground lair would totally work," he says. "If you built it right."
"Yeah," Necrosis grumbles. "Like above ground."
"Half of the houses in America have basements, Baron," Cerebrain says. "And they're not collapsing in on themselves."
"Oh, excuse me, then," Baron Necrosis says sarcastically. "When you said 'underground lair,' I didn't know you actually meant 'suburban basement.'" "Look, I'm just saying that..." Cerebrain starts.
"Midgets, they just aren't like us," Insectosaur interrupts. "They see the world differently."
"JUST SHUT UP ABOUT MIDGETS, JERRY!" Necrosis explodes. "YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! YOU DO..nn...mffm....ahuh."
Tears well up in The Baron's eyes, his lower lip starts to quiver, and we all watch in horror as he starts to cry.
He puts his head on the table, covering it with his hands, muffling the deep sobs wracking his body.
I look over at Cerebrain, who shrugs nervously.
"Dude," says Insectosaur, confused. "Are we under attack?"
"Mmmm...my Mom," The Baron starts, his voice still muffled. "My Mom and Dad."
"Your what?" Cerebrain asks.
Baron Necrosis raises his head, eyes redder than normal, his mouth in some kind of agonized rictus. "My Mom and Dad," he says, "were killed by feral midgets. When I was a child."
"Get out!" Insectosaur shouts. "Mine too!"
Baron Necrosis stops sobbing abruptly and looks for all the world like a sick little child.
"Really?" He says.
"Really," says Insectosaur, who gets up and walks over to where The Baron is sitting.
I know it's coming, and I should look away, but still I stare as Baron Necrosis stands and hugs The Insectosaur. And then they just stand there, rocking back and forth, holding each other, crying.
I look over to Cerebrain, who is also staring at the spectacle with a nauseated look on his face. He turns to look at me with horrified eyes. "I think I just threw up in my mouth," he says.
"I'm sorry I used your real name," I hear The Baron whisper.
"It's okay, buddy," Insectosaur says. "It's okay."
I turn without a word, mounting the stairs to the outer door. About halfway up, someone starts to sing, and I'm pretty sure I hear Cerebrain vomit.
ok, this one's my absolute favorite.
bravo.
Posted by: Liz | April 22, 2008 at 08:27 AM
The Comicon did your soul good.
Insectosaur for the win, please.
Posted by: Marcus Aurelius | April 22, 2008 at 09:01 AM
Why didn't I think of that first?
Posted by: Q | April 22, 2008 at 01:45 PM
Chuckle. I found myself tapping along. Does that make me a stupid copycat?
And I really want to know:
a) What the narrator's name is
b) Can he only say "Yeah"? Is that his "schtick"?
Posted by: Enna Isilee | April 22, 2008 at 07:23 PM
Wow.
Teehee, I loved it. Marvelous.
Posted by: Katee | May 01, 2008 at 07:49 AM
Feral midgets?
Loved Punzie's revenge and based on your microstories, wondering if might be some scifi coming our way? ;D
Posted by: Lizy | September 04, 2011 at 07:41 PM