Five methods of lowering others' expectations of you

...that I've seen used with phenomenal success

1. Urinate while watching a professional sports game on television. When asked why you didn't go to the toilet, say you forgot.
2. Randomly put together things you've heard from other people's conversations and declare them as incontrovertible truths. ("We're all Indians. We are ALL INDIANS! And you know what? The bi-polar are our shaman-gods.")
3. Add "you know" or "right?" to the end of everything you say, the simpler the better ("I need beans, you know." "Hello, right?")
4. Attach theological significance to inherently banal subjects. ("This color of grout makes Jesus cry.")
5. Respond to any information given you with an overloud expletive of your choice. (It should work with most anything - "You'll be working on Saturday this week," "My son turned five today," "Light from the sun takes about 8 minutes to get to the Earth," etc.)
6. Describe all situations, behaviors, customs, and clothing different from what you're used to as "hilarious."
7. Demonstrate a relaxed attitude toward the concept of "numbers"

Comments

[Katee]

I counted seven five methods, right?

Anyway, I especially loved 2, 3, and 5, you know.

[the wife]

I see you're living number 7. Good boy.

[Enna Isilee]

Well, you know, I have this teacher right? And he always says you know at the end off all his sentences you know. And lately I've been sucked into this vortex, ya know, of always adding "right" to the end of "I know" right? So it seems like everytime I say "I know," it's always followed by "Right?" As if I was asking them if I knew, you know.

I have a problem, right?