Five non-chemical ways to keep yourself awake after a sleep-free night

1. Participate in a mugging (either side is fine)
2. Affix razor blades or needles to four or more of your fingertips (it makes rubbing your tired eyes a task requiring much more concentration)
3. "Borrow" a hearing aid, put it in, and turn it all the way up (this is a handy follow-up to #1 if you chose to mug an elderly person)
4. Scream at everyone and everything. It gets the blood running and often catalyzes an invigorating struggle with authorities
5. Wear only one shoe (or smear your feet with lard). The increased stumbling rate should lace your bloodstream with adrenalin until you collapse in a twitching heap sometime in the evening

Comments

[Gretchen]

This whole list is chock-full of handy advice for Jeff. I've heard those meat babies can get really colic-y after the first month.

[Cindy]

Only old people wear hearing aids? C'mon!

Cindy

http://beethovensears.com

[Enna Isilee]

Number two is the only one I can vouch for really.

[A Flexible Person Who Wishes to Say Something Regarding #2]

I'm here to tell you that it's entirely possible to rub your tired eyes with your toes.

[Q]

And I'm sure you've tried all of these methods, and can vouch for their usefulness...