I suspect that the toilet paper in the stalls at my workplace was designed by a cadre of angry blind people. After all the properly marked pits they've stumbled into and silica gel they've eaten, they're ready to get revenge on the sighted world by sabotaging the peaceful world of corporate defecation.
The toilet paper in question, like everything in the world except the opinions of political pundits, is two-sided. One side is as you would expect it - a low grade paper hybrid of kleenex and newsprint. I'm used to this paper. It doesn't provide the most comfortable wiping experience, but I don't expect it to. I just want it to get the job done with a minimum of mess and fuss.
The other side of the paper, however, is sneaky. It looks pretty much the same, but each square is in fact made up of 150 raised iron dots which I believe spell out "BUM RAKER" in braille. Using this side to wipe with offers an experience equivalent to applying deodorant with a cheese grater. Not pleasant. Hurty, even. And woe be to those suffering from hemorrhoids or related afflictions.
So unless you are intimately familiar with braille or have inordinately sensitive fingertips, you are going to suffer a cruel personally applied assault by the BumRaker at least once. Assuming you wipe at all. (I know you're out there. Freaks.)
And I don't mean to mock the plight of the blind. There's nothing worse than being trapped in a dark pit with nothing to eat but the silica gel in your pockets. But there has got to be a better way to get revenge. It must have taken incredible engineering talent to hide thousands of tiny spikes in a roll of tissue paper and not have anyone notice until it was too late. Surely these same sightless geniuses could come up with a colorless gas that causes something like muscle necrosis or acute renal failure instead. I'm convinced it would be more humane.
The toilet paper in question, like everything in the world except the opinions of political pundits, is two-sided. One side is as you would expect it - a low grade paper hybrid of kleenex and newsprint. I'm used to this paper. It doesn't provide the most comfortable wiping experience, but I don't expect it to. I just want it to get the job done with a minimum of mess and fuss.
The other side of the paper, however, is sneaky. It looks pretty much the same, but each square is in fact made up of 150 raised iron dots which I believe spell out "BUM RAKER" in braille. Using this side to wipe with offers an experience equivalent to applying deodorant with a cheese grater. Not pleasant. Hurty, even. And woe be to those suffering from hemorrhoids or related afflictions.
So unless you are intimately familiar with braille or have inordinately sensitive fingertips, you are going to suffer a cruel personally applied assault by the BumRaker at least once. Assuming you wipe at all. (I know you're out there. Freaks.)
And I don't mean to mock the plight of the blind. There's nothing worse than being trapped in a dark pit with nothing to eat but the silica gel in your pockets. But there has got to be a better way to get revenge. It must have taken incredible engineering talent to hide thousands of tiny spikes in a roll of tissue paper and not have anyone notice until it was too late. Surely these same sightless geniuses could come up with a colorless gas that causes something like muscle necrosis or acute renal failure instead. I'm convinced it would be more humane.
*cough* The toilet paper I use is, um, pretty normal.
I pity you. There's nothing worse than 'raker' toilet paper.
Posted by: Katee | July 12, 2007 at 08:48 AM
Toilet paper is just the beginning. Mark my words.
Posted by: Tara! | July 12, 2007 at 03:28 PM
Ah, Dean. This is just too good.
Posted by: Stubby LaRue | July 19, 2007 at 02:17 PM