Fun With Sociopathy
The bicycle darts in front of our car, too close for us to stop, and we hit him going about 25. The rider spins through the air and lands roughly on the roadside with a yelp. Johann stops the car immediately and jumps out to crouch by the fallen rider's side.
"Calm down, son," he says. "You've been in an accident."
The rider blinks several times and then nods jerkily.
"Listen," Johann continues, "the ambulance won't be here before you bleed out."
I start to say something, because the guy doesn't look to be bleeding, but Johann gives me a look, and I swallow it.
He lifts the rider's arm up, holding the forearm to the man's face. "I don't have a knife, so I'm going to need you to bite, as hard as you can, right here," he says, pointing to the exposed flesh of the wrist.
The guy's eyes widen, but Johann keeps going. "You have to trust me," he says, "you need help clotting now or you'll bleed to death."
There is a pause, and then the guy bites. Johann stands and starts walking back to the car.
"Now drink," he calls out, jumping into the driver's seat just as blood starts to squirt from the rider's arm.
We drive in silence for several blocks.
"That was hilarious," I say, and Johann starts to giggle.
The bicycle darts in front of our car, too close for us to stop, and we hit him going about 25. The rider spins through the air and lands roughly on the roadside with a yelp. Johann stops the car immediately and jumps out to crouch by the fallen rider's side.
"Calm down, son," he says. "You've been in an accident."
The rider blinks several times and then nods jerkily.
"Listen," Johann continues, "the ambulance won't be here before you bleed out."
I start to say something, because the guy doesn't look to be bleeding, but Johann gives me a look, and I swallow it.
He lifts the rider's arm up, holding the forearm to the man's face. "I don't have a knife, so I'm going to need you to bite, as hard as you can, right here," he says, pointing to the exposed flesh of the wrist.
The guy's eyes widen, but Johann keeps going. "You have to trust me," he says, "you need help clotting now or you'll bleed to death."
There is a pause, and then the guy bites. Johann stands and starts walking back to the car.
"Now drink," he calls out, jumping into the driver's seat just as blood starts to squirt from the rider's arm.
We drive in silence for several blocks.
"That was hilarious," I say, and Johann starts to giggle.
Take *that*, Better Bytes Deli!
Posted by: Marcus Arelius | June 11, 2007 at 03:21 PM
Wow. Being morbid all by yourself is alright, but using fear to manipulate innocent people into self-torment is just...wrong.
Posted by: Liz | June 11, 2007 at 06:21 PM
Does it make me a bad person if I laughed? It was a completely involuntary response.
Posted by: Diana | June 12, 2007 at 04:01 PM
If you're a bad person, so am I. That was (terribly, horribly, sickeningly) hilarious.
Posted by: Char | June 12, 2007 at 06:54 PM
What, you guys have never done that before? Good times.
Posted by: Gretchen | June 13, 2007 at 08:54 AM
wow. that's horrifically horrible.
I love it.
Posted by: Faith | June 14, 2007 at 05:39 PM
Gretchen, why don't I tell you the name of this great counselor...kidding. Next time you do something like that, count me in!
Posted by: Burning | June 14, 2007 at 05:57 PM
Aw, honey, you did miss me while I was out of town! I feel so much better now.
Posted by: the wife | June 14, 2007 at 06:12 PM
Oh! I get it now. Thanks for clearing that up "wife."
Posted by: Enna Isilee | June 14, 2007 at 08:14 PM
heh heh, i just showed that to my dad. he said, "That's pretty morbid.what's up with him?" oh dad, this is just the biggining. it's great. :)
Posted by: Faith | June 14, 2007 at 08:26 PM
Whatever happened to whoopee cushions as a practical joke?
Posted by: Stubby LaRue | June 15, 2007 at 08:20 AM