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Top Five Most Disturbing Phrases I've Heard in the Workplace Restroom
5. "Standing room only, huh?"
4. "Paper or plastic? Heh. Ha! Paper...or plastic!"
3. "That's what they have janitors for, right? Right?"
2. "You know, this doesn't taste half bad."
1. "Now that is something spectacular."
Cursed as I am with hyper awareness of impending doom insomnia, I often skulk about my house in the darkness. I may have mentioned this before. In any case, as I haven't yet developed any kind of natural infravision, I still have to turn on lights if I want to read words on paper or do any kind of precision work with needles.
The dilemma here is that as I switch between lighted and unlighted activities in the deep of night, I am stricken with temporary blindness. When the lights go out, I have to sit and wait for my pupils to dilate before I venture to my next destination. If I don't, I almost always suffer the indignity of a stubbed toe or wake my wife unnecessarily with loud crashing sounds and strangled cries of pain. Not that she isn't used to that, but still. It seems rude.
I've developed a trick, though. One of these nights, after stubbing a toe, I found myself hobbling down the stairs to our living room in a decidedly peg-legged fashion, and it occurred to me that the two o'clock hour would be more entertaining if I spent it acting like a pirate. So I continued limping, wrenched one aye eye shut in a grimace and began muttering things like "Arrrh," "Avast," and "Scurvy dog." I kept this up through a bathroom escapade, a trip to the kitchen for a glass of water, and reading the last few pages of a Walking Dead graphic novel. Eventually, of course, my face got tired from holding my right eye shut, and I let it relax open as I started the pupil dilation period for the trip back upstairs.
What did I discover? Yes, my intrepid readers, from those long minutes of closure, my "pirate eye" had already become dark-adapted! There was no need to painstakingly wait for the other eye to adapt! I was able to dart up the stairs with perfect (well, half-perfect) night vision! No toe-stubbing, no unplanned strangled cries of pain. I've been using this technique for weeks now, and I'm very happy with it. Feel free to use it in your own homes. I do not condone use of Pirate Eye Nightvision for any illegal activity.
Appendix:
I am also developing a theory that this technique has long existed in the pirate captain community as a method of seeing possible attacking mutineers when coming below decks after a sunny stretch at the till. They flip up the eyepatch, and voila! Instant dark-vision. I mean, I've never seen anyone wearing an eyepatch in the dark, pirate or not. It makes sense to me. I mentioned this theory to my wife, and she seemed unimpressed with my reasoning, but I stand by it.
Extreme Makeover, Home Edition
It takes me the better part of three hours to dig all the holes. Planting the root balls takes less time, but getting the stems all placed right and packed tight is hard work. By the time I'm finished I stink of sweat and my head aches like it's been through a wood chipper. Angling the mirror to get a look at the grisly field my head has become, I tell myself that it will all be worth it, once they take seed. Yes sir. There'll be no more hats for me. Next season, I'm going comb shopping.
