Pompous Food Will Eat Itself

I am preparing to depart for a several-day stay in New Orleans, a city known for its food (and its human weight), so I naturally did some web-poking to see if there were any restaurants I shouldn't miss. There is no shortage of lists of such things, but I am amazed to see how many "frou-frou" places there are on these lists. And when I say "frou," I mean fancy. And when I say "fancy," I mean "stupid."

I've never really understood the whole "Haute Cuisine" thing. Or "Nouvelle Cuisine." Or "Cuisine" at all. It's gotten me to thinking that my whole system of determining a good eating experience is worth documenting.

I usually give every potential meal the benefit of the doubt with a standard 4 points. Based on modifying circumstances, that point value can fluctuate. Anything below 1 point I really can't be justified eating.

While my system is really quite complex and deserves an entire book dedicated to it, here is a sampling of some of the penalties I apply:

• [-1] The food to be eaten weighs less than two severed hands
• (an additional point off if it weighs less than one severed hand)
• [-1] The arrangement of the dish is "art"
• (restore the point if the arrangement of the dish is "Art")
• [-2] I have to wear a tie to eat it
• [-1] I have to wear clothes to eat it
• [-2] More than half of what I see on the plate is not meant to be eaten
• [-1] You are meant to have whine wine with it
• (an additional two points off if it has to be a specific kind of wine)
• [-1] I still "have room" for dessert
• [-1] Frightening textures (think non-fish sea creatures)
• [-1] The chef has neglected to involve sausage in the dish
• (dock another if cheese is also missing)
• [-1] You have to use utensils to eat it
• (double penalty for non-standard utensils(anything besides a knife, fork, or spoon))

Though, according to this, the Double Sausage McMuffin with Egg and Cheese may be the perfect meal. Ridiculous, of course, though...well...wait...I hadn't thought about this before. Maybe it is the perfect meal. Maybe it is.

Comments

[Laura]

Please stay above sea level.

[Shawn]

Is the severed hand pickled, dried, or otherwise altered from its original form? That could affect the weight.

[Faith]

but no! You forgot "If it has no sugar or fat!" If there is no sugar or fat, what good is it?