"Hi, I'm Adam..."

So I'm driving to work today and manage to end up behind one of those large clean pickup trucks that probably never haul anything besides luggage and groceries. While waiting at a stoplight, I discover that the truck is sporting one of those absurdities that seem to be increasing in popularity, the ball sack. For those of you blessed never to have seen one of these, let me explain. A linen bag, about the size of a loaf of bread, is hung from the back of the truck, roughly between the rear wheels. Two spheres, probably tennis balls, are placed in this bag and arranged to make the whole thing resemble the non-phallic aspect of male genitalia.  I believe the idea is to make the vehicle appear more "animal" in a "humorous" way. So, yes, it is, as the kids of a decade ago said, lame.

After my inevitable lane change to avoid this sight, I found myself passing the vehicle, and saw that its driver was a 40-something male (as expected) in a business suit and tie (not so expected). I've had plenty of suited managers that seemed of the right personality to scrotify their cars, so the attire didn't completely throw me, but hanging from his rear-view mirror were a pair of arts-and-craftsy grandma dolls. You've probably seen the kind. Spheres of some kind of fabric (probably the same as the ball sack, now that I think about it) stuffed tightly with cotton to form the head and body, black buttons for eyes, some kind of yarny hair, and wearing wholesome looking plaid aprons. This sort of thing in any setting outside of the hands of a young Laura Ingalls freaks me out. Contemporary creation, cultivation and display of such things is far beyond my understanding and falls into the category of "Things That Should Not Be." But all that combined with the knowledge that these figures were riding in a bescrotumed truck, well, it's just too much. It's as if I had looked idly out my car window to briefly connect with the sad gray eyes of a dog on its hind legs waiting alone for the bus. Madness. I was only able to get to work without collapsing into a persistent vegetative state by trying to sing the words of Prince Adam's soliloquy from the beginning of the Masters of the Universe cartoon to the tune of Sisqo's "Thong Song."

Comments

[stubby larue]

I have just recently seen one of these ornaments, but it was in a brown crinkly leather. I'll leave the rest to your imagination. And really? "Lame" is out of style? That is so lame, I still like it.

[emilyf]

I think I'd be entertained to hear your list of "Things That Should Not Be." I imagine there are many sprinkled throughout the history of your posts, but consolidated would be ineteresting.