I had occasion to be waiting expectantly in the office of an eyeball doctor recently. Ostensibly, my visit was just to get the lenses on my glasses appropriately updated, but I had high hopes the medicine man might be able to give me some clue as to what those sprouting stalks are why my eyes itch lately.
Anyway, as I cast about the office office looking for any sign that I should run screaming from the building (blood stains, bottle of eyeballs, restraints), I fixed upon the office phone. It was mounted on the wall, and next to it was a printed directory that read like this:
x01 Front Desk
x02 Optical Tech 1
x04 Optical Tech 2
x05 Dr. Brown's Office
x06 Dr. Wilson's Office
x07 Stock Room
x09 Heinz
So, three things. First, where are "x03" and "x08"? What are they trying to hide? Second, "Stock Room?" What are they storing in bulk that they need an entire room with a phone for it? Gauze or anything designed to staunch blood? Bad sign. Prosthetic eyes? Bad sign. Live eyes? Worse sign. And to top it off, who the heck is "Heinz?" I think I actually saw everyone working there, and a creepy little Austrian dude was not among them. Who is this guy who gets his own extension but no visible working space?
I'm thinking he's The Cleaner. The go-to guy when things get out of hand. When Dr. Brown's pen slips unfortunately, plucking the eye from a patient, and there's blood and hysterics and screaming, someone can just dial "09" and Heinz takes care of it. No blood, no fuss, no awkward lawsuit from a maimed patient. Don't ask questions. Heinz will make it go away.
So it's good for them that they have Heinz. Bad for us they need him on speed dial, though.
Oh, no no no. See, I can help you with this. I, too, have a "Heinz" programmed into my phone. You know, for when I'm eating my fries at lunch and run out of catsup. Press the button, and, ta-dah! ketchup dispenses! Haven't you tried this setting on your phone yet? One would think you'd be all over this, Dean. Mmmmm...catchup.
Posted by: brent | May 31, 2006 at 03:07 PM