There is a guy at work that looks like Eddie Munster. For those of you unfamiliar with the Franco-Prussian War allegory that was "The Munsters," Eddie is pretty much a kid with an old-school Dracula widow's peak. And there's this guy I see scuttling about the halls of my workplace that looks like him. About 4'5", 100 lbs, with short black hair that terminates in an equilateral triangle at the center of his forehead.
I don't think it's a fashion statement. And he isn't flamboyant in behavior, as all Eddie Munster impersonators I've known have been, so that's likely not his night job. It's hard to know whether to be sorry for him or not. I mean, hundreds, maybe thousands of the disaffected and geeky have spent good time and money trying to look like vampires. And this guy, he's just born with it. Sure, he's short, but still, hooray for him. Maybe on weekends he puts on the cape and make-up and has a good time creeping about the goth clubs.
But being disaffected and geeky myself, I am familiar with many of the behavioral tics of such dress-up people, and he doesn't seem to have them. I think he doesn't know. We all know people like that. The neighbor lady with the hair-sprouting mole, the bald guy in denial, the mustachioed female grocery clerk, anyone over 175 pounds wearing spandex (except superheroes). It's an uncomfortable experience seeing these people.
And so, because I don't want to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed every time I see this guy, I'm making up a backstory for him. His name is Vasilios, and he is the Greek Government's top spy.
Born to Gypsy-descended parents in Athens, Vasilios' growth was stunted when, at age 7, he drank three liters of lamp oil at his Uncle Esklepios' funeral. Because of this unfortunate mishap, Vasilios can still occasionally be seen trying to spit out the persistent taste of oil with a "Bu-Bleh!" noise. He was recruited into his Government's "Spartan Hammer" program after a particularly spirited performance as Puck in a neighborhood production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream."
Oh, be assured that his past is a rich one. He's a very interesting character, and not at all pathetic. One day I'll have to tell you about the full year he spent dressed as a panda, investigating the underground Bamboo Cult "Dark Hootenanny." Gripping stuff.
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