Tongue Tatoos for the Fashionably Agape

I worry about the slack-jawed among us. I worry that within the vast community of mouth breathers there might be a few geniuses.

Yes, yes, it seems ridiculous, I know, but you went along with me when I said that my wife and her sisters spent a weekend eating lemur guts, so give me the benefit of the doubt.

I mean, mouth breathing bothers me as much as anyone, but I don't want to relegate an entire subset of humanity to troglodyte status. Because maybe, you know, they have a sinus problem or something. I wake up sometimes with a dry mouth in the mornings, and since I don't believe in those startlingly detailed stories about saliva vampires, I know that I've been mouth breathing. So my dream self, at least, can sympathize.

We don't want these hidden geniuses to convince themselves, by virtue of a simple ear-nose-throat issue, that they're stupid. We all know that if you tell a kid every day that he's stupid, he'll begin to believe it. People will believe anything, if you tell them often enough. My mom told me I wasn't stupid, and I went out into the world thinking I could ace a self-directed Advanced Calculus class in college. Yikes.

Let me just say that awakening into my own stupidity was unpleasant, confusing, and altogether shudderworthy. I think I would have preferred not to know. So if you get a chance, Choose Ignorance.

But enough about me and my insanely entertaining life. We were talking about mouth breathers. I think society brands them as idiots because we assume smart folk would close their mouths, thereby avoiding dangerous itinerant disease-clouds and migrating insects. There's no way for those oral respirators to communicate that they know their mouths are open, and they choose to keep them open for medical or lifestyle reasons.

And thus, as the title of this entry suggests, I advocate tongue tattoos. Let those pinched-mouth conservatives know that your tongue is exposed for a reason other than to collect dust! Arise, my brothers sisters cousins, and ink a pithy slogan on that face tentacle! Let The Man know! Your mouth, your choice!

And if you're short on pithy slogans, you could just do a picture of a duck or something. Duck pictures are cool.

Comments

[Leonard Snart]

I also enjoy duck pictures.