To celebrate this auspicious occasion, I am doing four things, two of which I will announce publicly.
First, The EVENT. Tomorrow, Wednesday the 22nd, 5:00, at The King's English Bookstore. I will be there, with my wife and spawn, to sign any books you want me to sign. Except for any "Rabbit" books by John Updike. Those I will not sully with my unholy scrawl.
Second, The CONTEST. Three contests, really. A contest array.
Bronze Contest: The first person who comes to the event and can verbally identify how I infused Scapegoat with Canadian Pride will receive an origami goat, folded by me, with a secret message inside. You will need to dismember the goat to get the message.*
Silver Contest: The first person to request a piggyback ride from me without fear in their eyes will receive said piggyback ride.
Gold Contest: The person who sends me the most interesting** picture of themselves or a loved one with The Book will receive one personal scapegoat service. What this means is that I will take the blame*** for anything for which you are actually responsible.
*Despite stories to the contrary, wrong answerers will NOT receive a dead goat with a secret message inside. That is just gross.
**"Interestingness" will be judged by a conference of Deans from parallel Earths who have taken to identifying themselves as "The College."
***This does not include things for which I would have to go to jail, pay a fine, or be hunted by a violent cabal. Eligible offenses include, but are not limited to: not doing your homework, not doing your chores, missing a significant other's birthday, eating all the pie, leaving dirty diapers in the living room, starting a fight with the mailman, and Saying The Wrong Thing. Ineligible offenses include, but are not limited to: Causing grievous bodily harm to yourself or others, theft of anything worth more than $2.22, plotting a coup, driving a coupe, forming a junta, manufacturing danger, and lying under oath.